lOst |N rEVEr|E

i guess i was very much afflicted since don't know when.. there IS a problem.. or maybe are problems.. but i just can't figure wat exactly it is.. like wat i told darling.. i find myself living in the shadow of infidelity.. i'm not sure if tts the right way to say but.. anyways.. i kept having flashbacks of how exactly lies were being told, evidences eradicated n stuff, n i fear it will happen to me one day.. in fact my biggest fear is "it" happening already.. say i'm paranoid or even crazy.. but having gone through it myself and being there n then during the betrayal act, its hard not to think..

perhaps it was me being so obsessed that he's not telling me anything now.. or perhaps there's nothing to tell.. i want to know and yet when i knew, i get jealous.. a comment from darling, saying i have the right to get jealous.. in fact, if i don't get jealous shldn't he be worried instead? doesn't it mean tt he's insignificant to me? i feel really insecure.. i can't seem to even enter his world, talk abt fitting in.. i don't know where i stand, my significance to him.. am i even one of his priorities? i'm not asking to be the first, but at least the top few?

i know he's still not over her.. thou he kept it to himself.. its hard to let go when it happens like so out of a sudden.. thou i feel hurt somehow, like y did he wan to start a new r/s when he's not even ready? [oh wait, are we considered in a relationship?] but i feel worse when he don't even share his problems with me.. its to an extend i feel that we meet each other jus for the sake of meeting.. i know he's putting in effort, and i feel loved with all his little actions.. but sometimes i feel that we don't connect, or can't connect..

thinking back on wat i said, i don't wish to treat him like a rebound.. but looking at wat it is now, could it have been the other way round?