deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. but being hardcore isn't just about being tough, its about acceptance.

i always thought i was some sort of hardcore. i remained strong despite the stormy road i walked through (of course with the help of real friends i have). i put up a tough front (always) whenever i fear. i make myself see hope when i'm lost. i always thought i was strong, and people see me as strong. but i realised, the day when you say you're strong is the day when you are able to accept. accept the truth, accept that it has happened, and accept the fact that things will NEVER be the same again. accept he has chosen someone else, accept they are happy together, accept one day you really have to wish them... happiness.

entry deleted.

New Life

Get ready for the new me..

Changed.

Perhaps so different even I myself can't recognise.
But this is all I've got.
I'm all out to be a changed person.
No longer letting people control me.
Not a single chance.

I, shall control each and everyone of you out there.

i still can't believe what he actually did to me..
the only reason i figured was that he didn't have... true feelings.
yes, his feelings weren't true right from the begining.
or was it more of lust than love he'd felt.
i have no idea.
i couldn't think of any other reason for him to fall in love with someone else in such a short time.
seriously.
so much for telling myself (including others) that he's not worth it.
he's not worth my love, my feelings, my effort, my time, and the list goes on.
i still miss him.
i'm not denying it.
i just have to click on his darn name in fb each time i log in, go back to my msn list every 5 minutes jus to check if he updated his nick.
this sucked. big time.
i hate myself for doing all these.
i hate myself for loving him.
i still love him. i still do.
my heart aches each time i think of him.
i wish someone can put a stop to all these.
to help me.
i'm trying hard to control myself.
i know i have to.
i smile, i laugh, i play when everyone is around.
but when things quieten down, and i'm alone... again,
the heartache is always there.
i run through scenario after scenarios of how i'll bump into him.
at work, outside... i even thought maybe he'll be mature enough (like all of a sudden),
and come look for me.
for what i don't know.
perhaps to talk things out, or whatever.
so much for pre-empting what's gona happen.
i'm not sure if i can really be normal when that day comes.

i hate what i'm feeling now.
when can all these come to an end?
the real... end.

To all whom I love..

No words can describe how grateful I am to have you people in my life.
For standing by me through difficult times.
For the tears you shed when I cried.
For all the cursing and swearing when I was angry.
For all your support and advices.
For giving me your precious time.
For your listening ear.
For the shoulders that I cried on.
For being by my side even if we said nothing.
For cheering me up.
For not asking anything in return.
You made me stay strong when the world came crushing down.
Without you people, I couldn't imagine what's gona happen to me.

To my precious darling, Joycelyn, Germac, Mei Mei, Kevin and my dearest sis..
I thank you all with my heart.
I really appreciate all that you've done for me.
And I'm really fortunate to have all of you in my life.
I love you all..

at this point i think nobody can ever say my intuition was wrong.
indeed there was someone else.
i feel like a total idiot.
i feel so cheated.
so fucking cheated.
so this is how it feels when u are cheated.
this is wat u call "not ready"
getting attached in less than a mth.
when things were still somehow hanging.
ok. i was the one. the only one who was hanging.
not him. at all.
it seemed he wasn't affected at all.
not a single bit.
"things happened too quickly"?
sheesh. that was really quick. really.
i'm just lucky that i don't have to put up with all these shit anymore.
no more insecurities, no more doubts, no more worrying, no more thinking of who your friends were, or what you were doing.
no more crap.
i just wish you can grow up from now onwards.
treat every girl you encounter from now onwards nicely and gentlemanly.
and seriously, grow up.
may you have a wonderful and enjoyable relationship.

kev is one kick-arse-irritating man.. haas.. no, not in a bad way.. i say he's kick arse irritating cos he's jus damn good at "reading" ur mind, understanding ur thoughts.. he's so straight to the point its kinda like "ouch! tt hurts!".. but damn.. he's fucking right.. jus a brief conversation i had with him and he sort of "opened" my thinking and brought my real self back..

the real me.. the girl with her own thinking, knows how to get what she wants, simply always knowing what to do when things happen..

i guess what he said was right, when he said tt i was too emotionally involved.. he was surprised i became like tt.. hell.. not only was he surprised.. ME myself felt it too.. AND he was right (again) when he pointed tt what i fear is actually failure.. i cannot take the fact tt i was failing, or maybe have already failed the relationship.. especially so when things were kinda alright and suddenly.. POOF! its gone.. becos of being too emotionally involved, i find it hard to let go.. and becos i din wana fail, i wanted to hang on, hoping things will be back to normal and i become happy again..

thou he din say exactly how to do it, but at least i have some insight on how to handle this right now with his guidance..

now i feel much much better.. its like letting an ultra heavy load off my chest.. kev jus has this special power to make ppl see things logically and.. i don't know.. pull you out of the landslide? :)