12 Days

boo.. its the official start of my indisposed freedom.. yay.. its 12 damn fucking days.. gosh.. wat am i supposed to do for the whole 12 days? good for him my dum dum superman.. :) shld be having a great time on flight with his lads now.. oh well.. i must enjoy myself more than him i dun care.. geez.. more like drowning myself with assignments and presentations.. grr.. i tot of coming in to say i miss him everyday but.. tts REALLY geeky can.. haas..

okok.. i'm sure there'll be lotsa fun n laughter down under.. oh here i go again the jealousy me.. hee.. I MISS U HEAPS ALREADY!! muackzz dearie! :D

Valentine's Day

my first v day 'celebration' since i had memory.. or maybe first with a partner.. oh well, all these years i always din have a partner during valentines day.. [ok, had one but tt can never be official] i always dreamed of having a romantic dinner or doing some romantic stuff with my partner during valentines day.. thou it may mean just-like-any-other-day to some but i tot it'll be really nice to go thru tt feeling, even if its jus once in this lifetime..

initially i tot of getting him a PS3 since its wat he yearned for.. but its kinda ex la.. maybe wait till i save more money.. so tt left me without any idea wat to give him.. not tt its a must to give gifts during valentines day but i tot its my way of showing appreciation.. den i tot.. y not just stick to the old fashioned way.. baking him something.. plus he's kind of a sweet tooth i realised.. so i decided.. muffins it shall be..

with the attachments and assignments all cramped together i din really have time to get ready for baking.. and i got my ingredients just the night before.. luckily i found a really sweet card tt says exactly how i feel, while we're slacking one fine day during attachment.. anyways.. i wanted to do a trial baking the night before since its such a loooooong time since i last baked.. but i was too tired after shift and fell asleep instead.. so i took the risk like "jus bake dun care if it turns out well".. haha.. the result.. looks nice but its kinda hard la.. but mommy did say it was still eatable.. :)

i decorated the card abit cos it was all too plain.. one day this idea suddenly came into mind and i tot it was quite cute.. 鼻涕虫 is wat he calls me and superman is him.. :)

i rushed to meet him cos he's on night.. his 2nd night.. geez.. wat a valentines eh.. oh well, its less than 15 mins.. the time i met him till he took cab n send me home.. its wasn't as wat i expected thou.. it was more of like.. jus pass him the muffins like i'm passing any other thing.. disappointed.. i don't know wat kinda feeling it was but my heart ached.. i dont know y.. maybe i was expecting too much from him.. haiz.. he did say it was really sweet thou.. and he felt bad he din get me anything.. or maybe it was when he said "i have no money to spend on you" tt i felt really bad.. its not abt him not getting anything.. i dun mind seriously [we did go for 'dinner' the other day].. but its the words he said.. my mood jus fell to zero stat when he said tt..

i hate myself for being so crazy most times.. i dont know exactly y but i reckon its me yearning wat i couldn't get.. i feel very much loved by him each time we're together.. but hate the part where we meet just once a week? i dont see myself as tt clingly.. i admit i can be sometimes.. i noe abt personal space and i seriously agree we must have.. but seeing him once a week and jus tt few hrs each time is really not enough for me.. i miss him everyday, every second, every minute.. but i dun feel it frm him.. he seemed to be having so much fun, enjoying himself more with his friends than with me.. he doesnt introduce me to his friends thou he knew most of mine.. i couldnt help but wonder, who am i to him? am i even considered his girlfriend, or even someone special?

perhaps it was really too fast.. frm knowing each other to getting really close.. perhaps we shld have settled our previous one before we jump into anything.. i must admit i havent let go tt FB(fucking bastard) initially when we got 'together'.. i was afraid i'm treating him like a rebound.. but seriously.. tt FB made me hate him on his own.. so he was never a rebound..

haiz.. maybe i should jus wait n see...

MOUTH BIG BRAIN SMALL

to tt arsehole loi out there.. i know you have a MBBS but wats the big deal?!! u are just a FUCKING ARSEHOLE who dun even look into the mirror!!! so wat if its JUST A PNEUMOTHORAX FOR GOD'S SAKE??!!!! i've never heard a pneumothorax in my life CAN??!!! dun tell me u're born to know wat a pneumothorax sound like!!! WAT DA HELL WAS WRONG TO AUSCULTATE A PNEUMOTHORAX??! pls la.. we all were once a student INCLUDING YOU! y didn't u tell ur medical students off??!! jus because we're NURSES doesn't mean u can pin us down jus like that! yea.. we earn peanuts as compared to you.. we wipe ppl's arse unlike u.. (i bet u havent wiped one) we dun study as much as you.. but SO??!!! try working in the dept one day without any nurses.. jus dun let me catch you peeing in ur pants! and one very last and the ultimate advice i have for you.. DON'T EVER THINK OF BECOMING A TRAINEE COS YOU CAN'T ESCAPE COMING TO MY DEPARTMENT FOR POSTING. AND IF THATS GONA HAPPEN THEN JUST PRAY THAT YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORK WITH ME THE WHOLE OF YOUR SIX MONTHS! YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A GOOD TIME I PROMISE. PUI!!!!!

i couldn't believe what i saw.. those words.. to think that they actually came from you.. i was still feeling kinda bad when i refused meeting you.. i seriously didn't want bad memories for us.. or perhaps u wanted some, then i see why u're doing so..

i felt bad getting myself attached in such a short time after u left.. i can't deny i still had feelings for you at that time.. at that time.. i thought it wasn't fair for you at all.. but then again.. nothing is fair in this world.. i feel that everyone deserves a chance to get what they wanted.. and sad to say.. its not you.. i had enough of stupid relationships.. taking me for granted.. thinking i'll stay loyal no matter wat happened.. see.. its vice versa and expecting someone to wait for you while u had fun is simply outrageous and SELFISH TO THE CORE OF MY ARSE! though u didn't want me to wait THEORETICALLY but coming back with all your nonsense, asking me y is he more important than u, spelt everything as clearly as can be..

if you ever see this, i'm telling you.. his name is Ervin Tan and he's the important man in my life right now besides my dad.. i love him and don't you dare insult him again.. i'm so gona stuff tt dick of urs up ur arse!

aloof or not

i'm disappointed in myself.. so so disappointed.. y am i now a possessive freak being jealousy n all at such insignificant issue.. or maybe its insignificant to others.. i hate myself for behaving in this way.. but i just couldn't help it.. i noe i say this all the time but my heart really ached like i was dying.. i noe i should trust him.. i mean.. he had the option not to tell me all abt them.. but he still did.. and i appreciate him for doing so.. in fact i was really proud of him i started telling the girls wat he did.. but when it happens again n again.. if u were me, wouldn't u get worried? anyone will say he's telling me cos there's nothing to hide and i myself knew that well enough.. but i just couldn't control my feelings! forgive me for defending myself.. it'll be funny if i don't feel anything at all.. or have that 'do i even care' kind of attitude.. am i right to say that? perhaps its the accumulation of everything that happened.. perhaps i really want this to work hence the perfectionist me is out to create havoc again.. or perhaps its just the hormonal imbalances.. its really hard to 'close one eye' and pretend to be understanding.. i'm only human and i have feelings? i really hope its just me thinking too much, way too much and nothing else..
Dear God, please bring this irksome fella in me away, vanish into thin air and never come back again.. please? sigh..

Burnt

went tanning in sch today with mel!! hee.. been reeeeeeaally long since i was dark.. i hated the days when ppl speak MALAY to me like in the lift asking me which floor i'm going.. it happened like a thousand times can.. grr.. those were the days where i look forward to every training in sch, attend every camp possible, go for competitions n stuff.. for the amt of time we spent under the sun its hard not to get black ya noe.. keke.. really miss the fun we had..
so.. i decided to become fair again after i entered nursing.. but i guess its more on who u mix with tt decides what you do at different phases of ur life.. sociology.. heh~ which is y i grew to become lazy.. the only exercise we do was shopping? haha.. good n bad during tt period.. shall not elaborate thou..
then came work life.. in CE everyday u work ur youth away and all u wana do after work is go home n SLEEP!! and like myself, no one in my group engage in activities under the sun.. n it helped me achieve my goal! haha.. like the other day in sch this auntie collecting our plates commented, "wa.. u very fair hor!" haha..
but for now.. the girls in class are motivating each other to exercise! haha.. fun ppl to mix with thou.. they go playing badminton or swim during long breaks.. like yesterday.. they all went swimming and tempted me n mel.. n cos we're having discussion in sch today, mel suggested going for a swim n get tanned after discussion! haha.. so here i am.. all red n burnt! n painful can..

junkie

i just bought another pair of HEEEEEEEEEEEELS!

mommy's gona scREAM!!

but i don't care..

absolutely deserved it! weeeeee!!!!!!!