lOst |N rEVEr|E

i still can't believe what he actually did to me..
the only reason i figured was that he didn't have... true feelings.
yes, his feelings weren't true right from the begining.
or was it more of lust than love he'd felt.
i have no idea.
i couldn't think of any other reason for him to fall in love with someone else in such a short time.
seriously.
so much for telling myself (including others) that he's not worth it.
he's not worth my love, my feelings, my effort, my time, and the list goes on.
i still miss him.
i'm not denying it.
i just have to click on his darn name in fb each time i log in, go back to my msn list every 5 minutes jus to check if he updated his nick.
this sucked. big time.
i hate myself for doing all these.
i hate myself for loving him.
i still love him. i still do.
my heart aches each time i think of him.
i wish someone can put a stop to all these.
to help me.
i'm trying hard to control myself.
i know i have to.
i smile, i laugh, i play when everyone is around.
but when things quieten down, and i'm alone... again,
the heartache is always there.
i run through scenario after scenarios of how i'll bump into him.
at work, outside... i even thought maybe he'll be mature enough (like all of a sudden),
and come look for me.
for what i don't know.
perhaps to talk things out, or whatever.
so much for pre-empting what's gona happen.
i'm not sure if i can really be normal when that day comes.

i hate what i'm feeling now.
when can all these come to an end?
the real... end.